Monday, February 1, 2010


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/28/2010 07:36PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

My gentle kitten!
I am excited again to be having your emails. Alwasy I am to be excited by your life It's very important for me. Now I'm very happy, your letters inform to Me your caress and warmth, your kind words throw light on mine Heart. Though we are a little familiar, it seems to me that you approach me on soul, I consider that you very kind and tender person and you can To become my partner in life, I wish to learn about you much more. I would like to learn from you what do you think of that to conduct what Or relations with the girl from other country? Personally I consider that it Very much even it is good, I can learn about your culture as well as you Can learn more about Russian culture. You have many exciting things happening always. Russia is not so exciting. I still waiting to get Moscow I think many special things can come to my life in Moscow.

You get dwarf? What type? I am not understanding so much my best friend she had dwarf rabbit and we play many time a day. We feed him carrot many times and he like very much. You feed your dwarf carrot also? They are liking carrot very much asking for more always. I am liking name Tina Is good name for dwarf they are very loving and tender and making life happy for everyone all the time This si good.

I always feeling good that photos of me you like. I hope that it will be it is pleasant to you. Because on a photo you can see my appearance, my eyes. And eyes is a mirror of soul. If you wish to be assured in me, in my reality, That you can hear my voice. Be not afraid to write to me your phone number, I can call to you. I think to you it will be pleasant to hear my voice. I well speak in English. You phtos is hard to understand for me You make joke? I npt seeing you face in photos It is of what? You are funny man. My sister and mother we laugh all the at the photo you sending.

My love, today I was in travel agency and looked flight to airport in which you will meet me. But to me have told that I should pay the big money for travel . I should buy return tickets, make all papers - the visa, the passport. am really do not know as me to be and where to find such big money. My darling you can help me? You is saying you can my addres is Russia, town Shelekhov, Lenin's street 5, flat 7, it is near big city Irkutsk.My town is rather far from Moscow. I waiting also for your moneys by post.

now I wish to tell To you it is more about my family. The name My mum Valentine. My name Father Andrey. Last years I very seldom I see the father. A deposit Parents have divorced, when I was 12 years old and After that deposit The father leaves to live in the city of St.-Petersburg. It very much The big and beautiful city. Thanks to my daddy we lived Well, and I have a good Education. it will be Good if you speak more about yours To a family and the native? It Interesting to me to study it! I search for a kind, love, reliable for The person. It should be the clever, interesting interlocutor, with sense Humour. The age, colour of a hair, number not so is important for me, As its care, character and the serious relation to marriage. Well, now my questions for you. You prefer what perfume? You Love something aggressive or soft? I prefer gentle aromas, My favourite aroma French perfume Purblanka. You love what clothes Also what dress is more often? Certainly, for work I prefer to carry Classical suit trousers or a skirt. You have an allergy and especially on some products? I not I have. In what mood you happen more often?

Well, I have to stop or I will write without ending. Kiss you! see you later.
Your Mary

I send again more photo. Is me in hat new color, you like? I like hat!!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/27/2010 10:12AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dearest Mary/Nataliya/Henry,

You put my emails on the wall ‘next to your sleeps’? I must say, while this attempt at ‘connecting’ frightened me, it also made me cry. Good cries. The type of crying usually only associated with suddenly being reunited with an abusive ex-lover on a low-rating day-time talk show. So, thank you Mary. (Can I just call you Mary again? I don’t know I made you change your name. Mary is magical name. Silly me.)

Sorry about the photo. I should have explained. It’s like one of those ‘Magic Eye’ pictures where you have to go crossed-eyed first to see it. Try again. A few times. Til you get. And take a photo of you trying so I can see if you’re doing it right.

Mary, my sweet little unicorn hoof, do you like midgets? I bought one today. It’s only 25 years old and not yet toilet trained. It keeps me up all night with its crying. Dear god. I should have just gotten a puppy or meercat instead. What was I thinking? I have named him Tina. Short for ‘Tinactin’ – my favorite brand of antifungal cream. You’ll meet him when you arrive. He needs to be on a leash, otherwise he runs away. He’s very fast. Like superhero fast. Not as fast as Superman, but faster than Batman. Somewhere in there. Anyway, that’s why I have been so busy and not able to write you back. Between toilet training Tina and gathering pairs of animals for my ark, things have been NUTSO, Mary!

DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT! Geez Mary, way to kill the mood with what it’s like living in Russia. I get it Mary, but let’s just save these sad little accounts for our first tête-à-tête (ohhh, guess who just got ‘heart flutters’? Survey says ME!). Anyway, send me your address so I can save you and send you fun happy playthings.

Thanks for answering my questions Mary. I now know everything I need about you to make my decision about helping you come to America. That should be a movie: “Coming to America”. It would be about you (obviously… or an African Prince…we’ll sort that out later). I’d answer your questions Mary, but again, they weren’t very good. If you think of some good ones, I will totally answer them.

I loved the photo of you “dancing good with bear”, you’re right, “I did see”. I saw it in my dreams…and my nightmares. I love your photos Mary. You really are “Hollywood Princess”. I am sorry I ever compared you to Mickey Rourke. If anything, you’re a mix between Charlize Theron, Steve Buscemi and Tilda Swinton. HOTSKI! I do love getting your photos Mary. They touch me. In places I didn't even know existed. They touch me much like an uncle touches his 7 year old niece when they are alone.

Anyways, gotta run, Tina just rolled in his poop and I’m still missing a pair of “White-faced Saki Monkeys’ for my ark (harder to find than you’d think)


p.s. Photo of me attached. It’s a close-up of somewhere on my body! Guess Where!?! Put it next to your sleeps!

Friday, January 22, 2010


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/22/2010 01:07PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

My beautiful angel!
I am apologize for such longtime to reply to you. I have been very busy at doings my job. To keep my family living and in warm clothes I am having to work so hard. But I am to look to make my head feel positive Things are going to get better.

Such long letter to me. Your words is making my happy. Evryday I sits waiting for email from my lovd one. Like I says in last emails to you I flies always with my head Being somewher in clouds for you.

You are so funny in you writtings. You are to make me and my youngest sister laughing many time. Sometime I print you email and put on wall next’s to my sleeps.

What is photo? My cant see what is in photo It fuzzying and make hards to see you. I showd my mother She not seeing you also. This is funny jok to me? You tell me please kind angel. I am not to be understand all my namings. You says I am Henry. Henry is not Russian name always. I keep Nataliya. I telling my mother canary in yellow your storys. Always we laughing togethere the canary and me.

I so thanking you for you saying to help me with my travellling needs and tickets. You are kindest man and my mother so happy I meet you and to meet you in person. I waiting so long for happy head and life. Really it is very a pity to me much, that we cannot now to take each other for hands, to me it is bad that I cannot to embrace to you at night, now I embrace only my pillow and I think of you, Would like that you have appeared near to me, my love!

I answers your all questions now.I am not understands 7-11. I asking many peoples from working and one man is sayngs it is shop. We not having such shops in Russia. Now the world crisis and it is very difficult for people to find work. you cannot imagine what does it mean to be born in small town in Russia, there are not any chances to live well, to get a good job. All young people leave towns to search great luck in big cities but nobody waits for them there. I am not being allergc to any woods. Why you ask these question? You are allegergic? I want to know all about you, yours dreams, talent, everything! Tell me please!

As with all email to you I Have many questions. You think life be better where you are?
Pets? Your favorite meal? I am good cook in Russia wife and mistress taking care of man. I practising making your favorite always for you when I am seeing you for first time. Kiss you, counting days and minutes before our meeting. You know it is only money, and I think that it is not too hard for you to help me ,you see I have such chance only once in my life.

your Nataliya

p.s. More photo of me for you. I am good dancing with bear! You see!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/20/2010 08:28PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Nataliya (your new name!),

So sorry for my late reply. I’ve been super busy building an Ark!

This is fun, right? Going by a new name? I’ll be honest with you Mary/Nataliya I was a little disappointed you didn’t choose ‘Henry’. It’s actually my all-time favorite Russian girls name. But as they say, ‘your body, your choice’.

That was one hell of a dream you had. It felt so real, like a typical day for me, especially when you mentioned how “we with You walked in park and a fur-tree ice-cream” – talk about déjà vu!

So about the $950 you just so casually threw into the conversation. Sounds like you’ve taken a good long swim in Lake You and really come up with some answers. The main answer, being ME. I thought long and hard about this request Henry. (Can I call you 'Henry'? I know you picked 'Nataliya' as your new name, but 'Henry' just feels so right- like eating a bowl of oatmeal wearing angel wings, ya know?). I want the best for you. I want you to walk in parks and eat fur-tree ice cream. I want you to continue to ‘flied somewhere in clouds’. You deserve it Henry, you do.

Anyway, the big question is: will I help you? Let’s just say I will help you the same way mercury poisoning helped Jeremy Piven get out of that piss-weak Broadway play “Speed-the-Plow’. But first, I need you to answer some personal questions to help me justify my decision.

1) Where is your nearest 7-11?
2) Are you allergic to any types of wood? (not including balsa)

Weeee! okay now you ask me questions!!!!!!!

Righto, i've got work to do - roads don't paved themselves - but as you say: “I look forward to hearing from you with VERY VERY VERY BIG impatience!”

Your friend,

I sent you a photo of me. It's a little blurry, but i'm the one sitting on the white tiger wearing the hat. I ware hat too!!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/19/2010 07:12PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Hello my lovly angel,

I still wiaitng for my travel documents to Moscow. It lonely waiting to be with you.
I likes gettings your many emails a day They are being special to me and my mother. She is happy I soon to find all the love and give her baby.
My gentle kitten I ask favor of you please.I have only about 150 dollars that I expected to take with me for the first time and plus 200$ my mother give me so if you will help me with 950$ I will have enough to buy tickets and have some extra money for travel needs. I know it big sum of money ,but please you trying to help me and I make promise to return you money back after my first salaryI will cross my fingers hoping for your help because I want to meet you so much!!!!! I will be waiting for your answer!!!I

You are not liking my name? It’s ruassian name. I wish very much to make you happy So I choose new names I pick star names. Nataliya and Svetlana. My best friend she is names Nataliya. We growing up in same street and Play many game. She help always feed my mother canary many times.

As I to you have already told for the Russian girl the main thing it is a family, I very much I wish to have children, to me 27 years and I reflect on the happy. To family where the children's laughter, the house in which I will be constantly audible I will be the good mistress and the true wife.

I wish to bring up Worthy children, it is my dream. You trust in love at first sight! My angel, today the dream in which I has dreamt me went down on a gangway From the plane and you waited for me with a huge bouquet of red roses, then we with You walked in park and a fur-tree ice-cream, and in the evening you have invited me in Where we have spent restaurant wonderful evening, we very long talked and Have found much in common.
You have invited me to slow dance, and you Are magnificent, you tenderly whispered me gentle words. It was Unforgettably.

All the day long this dream did not leave at me a head, I not Could concentrate on work, even my colleagues have noticed that with me Something not so, they spoke that today I looked very happy, It seemed to them that I flied somewhere in clouds.

I look forward to hearing from you with VERY VERY VERY BIG impatience!

Kiss you,

Nataliya (my new name!)

I send more picture of me. i ware hat!


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/19/2010 11:46AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your latest email. Cool story about you petting a ‘black cat with a beautiful eye’. You have a magic touch when it comes to words, Mary.

So, here’s the thing. I want to talk to you about your name. It’s not the most authentic Russian name is it? I’ve gotta be honest with you, I feel like I’m getting a little gibbed. I’ve put together a list of names. I want you to pick a couple and we’ll go from there.

Here’s the list. My favorites have a star next to them.


Mary, you’re so sensitive. I didn’t say that I didn’t like your clothes, I just asked what was up with the denim. You do please me Mary, so no, you do not need to send me ‘sexy sexy’…at least not yet.

So 'yay' about you coming to New York. The closest airport is JFK. I’d pick you up but I’m lazy and it’s best you learn how to get around yourself. University of Life, Mary!

I’m loving the photo of you with all your stuffed animals. I’m so glad you still feel it’s socially acceptable to have a bedroom full of stuffed toys even though you are 27. I hope you’re not thinking of bringing all your stuffed toys to America though Mary, I’ll let you bring 3 (max.), unless you’re willing to cover their share of the rent. Then that’s a different story.

Great questions again Mary. Clearly you think hard before crafting them.
I shall answer them using my usual easy-to-read template.

Do you have car? Only assholes drive in NY, Mary.
Animal? This is a stupid question and I refuse to answer it.
Are your gentle? I have the hands of Franciscan Monk. I’ll let you touch them as soon as you arrive (I do ask that you wash your hands thoroughly though before we make contact – I don’t like germies)

Alright, I’m gonna go clean out my closet so you have somewhere to sleep when you arrive. You’re cool with sleeping standing up, yeah?

Love ya!
Your friend, S

Be safe in Moscow. Get me a present?


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/19/2010 02:57AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Hello my dear!

I am so glad to see your letter again,I think I am a lucky girl.
I sorry agan my spelling is not to your standards. I try my hard to check my spellings and make you happy. I want to please you. I make my youngest sister check my spellings.

You are not to be liking my clothes? I wear what is popular in Russia. How can I please you?You wanting sexy sexy?

You to ask me many question so I answer them to my best. Yes I am liking carrot. My youngest sister had rabbit for many years. We feeded it carrot. It liked a lot.

I brush my teeth many time a day. I have good teeth. In Russia is hard to stay looking good in mouth because it cost much. Looks is all I have, but like I say I am no Hollywood Princess. I want to be. You can help me?

You ask strange question. What is last furry thing you touch? maybe I not understand? This mornignn I touch cat I find in street. Its black cat with beautiful eye. I want to keep but my mother says we not have enough money. When I move to America to be with you perhaps we have many cat.

My friend I have many dream.I want to leave Russia, I know it sounds ugly but I know that I will be lost here like many young girls before me. It is not place to grow children and have stable future. I want to meet my right man.

I think in future I can work as fitness trainer I have a certificate. My mother is my great problem too, she has a great dream to see me married and she wants to make me happy but I think it is only my business I am not a little child. She tells me every day that I should get married very soon...

To be fair I am not sure I am able to explain all in first message I want to say so much! I just want you to know that I am not afraid to work, I am fairly goal oriented and I am sure you will be not disappoined to meet me in real life. I am going to spend three months abroad to work in any good place, agency promises to help me because it is only the way I can leave Russia. I will have all documents to travel in a few days and i will travel to moscow then, from moscow I will travel to you and they ask me about name of the city i am going to work, if you do not mind to meet me please tell me the name of your city and nearest international airport! I will book my flight from moscow!

Do you have car? Animal?Are your gentle? I want to know many this about you. Your interests, tastes and hobbies. Tell me!

Kiss you! I will miss you already

p.s. I send more photo of me. I want photo of you. I can’t wait!!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/18/2010 07:21PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Mary,

Boy oh boy, are you quick with your replies. It’s as if you have a template that you just ‘cut & paste’. Crazy!

Now I know you’re new to English and you specifically asked me to ‘be patient to read my messages and see many mistakes’ but would it kill you to spell check your emails before you hit ‘send’? Seriously Mary your spelling is sh*thouse – no offense.

So cool about your mom’s ‘canary in yellow’ and the part about you feeding it all the time, but care factor: ZERO. Gimme some juicy gossip Mary. I’m not going to keep sending you emails if you’re just going to reply to me with stupid crap like that. Like I said: give AND take.

Sorry to hear about your living situation. You say that times are hard because you live with your youngest sister in a 2 room apt. Well, I’m no Einstein, Mary, but that means you both have a room each. Cry me river.

Thanks for your photo. You look much more natural in it. It seems you’re really into denim. This is the second photo you’ve seen me of you in denim. We gotta get you so new rags Mary, how about it? Perhaps I can send you money for clothing that does not resemble denim in any way whatsoever? Let’s discuss.

I see you put questions for me in your email. I’ll do my best to answer them honestly.
do you like strong drinks too much? Duh, is the Pope Catholic
can you be very drunk? Totally!
very ofthen? Uh, YA.
can you be rude with women? I try my hardest.

Now answer my questions Mary:
Do you like carrots?
How often do you brush your teeth?
Last furry thing you touched?

Ok, gotta run.

(And I’m not going to tell you again Mary, stop with the ‘kiss you’. NOT COOL.)

Your friend,


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/18/2010 06:56PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Hello my dear, thank you for your answer!

At first I think I have to say that I am new in internet and I have only good intentions. you should know that I am not very good writer in english, please be patient to read my messages and see many mistakes.

I answers your questions now. What is bird of prey? I likes to many birds. My mother has canary in yellow. When I was little girl I was feeding it all the times. I put another photos of me with message.

I think I should tell you about me, my interests, tastes and hobbies.

I am 25 years old, my birthday is December, 25, 1983. I so much do not want to get older, when I can see old women I amgetting crazy to think that it is my future . am about 172 cm tall (5.6) and my weight is about 52 kg. I've been told I look well enough,and I think that all women have own beaty.

I have one youngest sisters and it is great problem for us because we have only two rooms flat. I want to live with you. We can have many fun times. What do you say?

I think it is possible that I meat my real love. I want to love and to be loved I want to build our own happiness, only me and my man there. I do not smoke, I tried to smoke when I was younger.

I may have a glass of red dry vine, sometimes it helps to relax. I try to take care of my body and face. I know it is all I have. My soul may have any itnterst for you later, I thinkso.

Please tell me more about you, your tastes, likes and dislikes .also I have a few impotant questions do you like strong drinks too much? can you be very drunk? very ofthen? can you be rude with women? Well, I have to stop or I will write without ending.

Kiss you! see you later.

In my next e-mail I will write you more things about myself and more details about my trip and work.

I will miss you, your Mary

P.S. Send me your pictures, please. To me like to see your photos.


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/18/2010 05:09PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your anything but tardy reply.

I am very excited to hear that you are 'full of plans and different dreams', but here's the thing, if you and I are are to become true penpals then you must answer my questions. This is a 'give and take' relationship, and right now, I just feel as if you are 'taking'. Perhaps it is a Russian thing, I dunno.

Thank you for your photo though. You say your are 'no Hollywood Princess', but I beg to differ. Clearly, you are too hard on yourself. Are you comparing yourself to the likes of Angelina Jolie? Then you are right, you are no 'Hollywood Princess'. Perhaps you should compare yourself to Renee Zellweger. Or Mickey Rourke. Anyway, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but that photo didn't seem real. I insist you send another. Try not to make the next photo too 'posey-posey'. Know what I mean?

Also, you weren't much help with the crossword. If you didn't know the answer you should have just said so. There was no need to ignore it completely. But we can work on that. We're only just getting to know each other, so i'll let it slip this time.

Do you like falconry? There's nothing more majestic than a bird of prey as far as i'm concerned. What's your favorite bird of prey, Mary? Let's compare.

Ok, that's all for now. Write back soon Mary.
(and don't put 'kiss you' in your next email, it's awkward. I hardly know you. A simple 'from' will do)

s (This my name too!)


To: S
From: Mary
Date: 01/18/2010 04:33PM
Subject: Re: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Hi my new friend
I glad that you have decided to reply, I see it is very short letter.
It is all right because you are astonished to get my letter. I want you to know that I have only good intentions and I have not any secrets.

The thing is that I will work in your country for three months or so andI would like to meet a nice man to fall in love or just be closest friends. I do not want to live in Russia because I have not any chances here, because of crisis I have lost, and I can not find now good work it is hardly possible to explain from first time but I want you to know my plans.

I am full of plans and different dreams and I want to share my life with good man because I'm also full of love and tenderness, I know thatI am not so beautiful like Hollywood Princess but I do hope to meet my Prince and I am sure he will be not be disappoined to meet me in the real life!

I will tell you all details about me and my life if you like my pictures andwant to meet me! please send picture of you too!!!

I write to you with my new mailbox, please write letters now only on this mailbox.I will wait your next letter.
Kiss you, Mary (this is my name)!

EMAIL #1 to Mary

From: S
Date: Mon, Jan 18, 2010 at 2:44 AM
Subject: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Mary,
Thank you for your intriguing email entitled: Tell me many kind words dear

Firstly, I like how you call me 'dear'. It makes me feel like Bambi. Like a young doe prancing through a lush green forrest. Have you ever seen that movie? It's pretty good. Better than Snow White if you ask me. Do you have deer in Russian? I hope you do, if not that will be the first thing I show you when you come to America.

So, I have many kind words for you. Did you just want singular kind words? Or kind words that make up a sentence? I guess i'll just do single words for starters:


Are those enough kind words? I hope so. I wasn't sure what your idea of 'many' was.

Your dream is to live abroad, huh? That's exciting. It's good to dream. Tell me all your dreams?

In your email you ask: 'Can we get started?'
Of course we can Mary. But get started with what? Today I started the crossword in New York Magazine, perhaps you can help me finish it? If you would prefer to start something together we can, I just thought that since I have already started this, you could just help me finish it:
Clue: Harrier, for one. (6 letters)

Ok, I must go now Mary, but i look forward to you reply. I think this could be the start of something amazing!!!

Yours sincerely

The beginning

Have you ever received an email from someone you don't know? Today I found that email in my SPAM folder of all places?! What the?

It was from a woman in Russia, named Mary. I like to scan my SPAM folder just in case something important makes it in there by mistake. That's how I found this little gem. Tucked away in between offers for up to 80% off Viagra and penis enlargement pills, was an email entitled:

Tell me many kind words dear.

Now, I haven't been called 'dear' since my grandmother passed away in 1991, so naturally I was drawn to this email. I clicked on it and found the following magical message:

From: Mary
Date: Mon, Jan 18, 2010 at 2:44 AM
Subject: Tell me many kind words dear.

Hi, I'm from Russia - a dream to live abroad, my name is Mary, can we get started?
"I'm on this dating site - come in to me.

Immediately, I was intrigued. 'Can we get started?' Get started with what? A game of 'Hungry, hungry hippos'? Lunch? Building a utopian society? A family? There were so many things Mary and I could get started with.

But the line that really caught my attention was 'Come in to me'.
Did she mean 'come to me'? I just don't know. But those 4 words told me that Mary needed help.

So there was only one thing I could do. I had to respond to Mary's plea.