Tuesday, January 19, 2010


To: Mary
From: S
Date: 01/19/2010 11:46AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tell me many kind words dear.

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your latest email. Cool story about you petting a ‘black cat with a beautiful eye’. You have a magic touch when it comes to words, Mary.

So, here’s the thing. I want to talk to you about your name. It’s not the most authentic Russian name is it? I’ve gotta be honest with you, I feel like I’m getting a little gibbed. I’ve put together a list of names. I want you to pick a couple and we’ll go from there.

Here’s the list. My favorites have a star next to them.


Mary, you’re so sensitive. I didn’t say that I didn’t like your clothes, I just asked what was up with the denim. You do please me Mary, so no, you do not need to send me ‘sexy sexy’…at least not yet.

So 'yay' about you coming to New York. The closest airport is JFK. I’d pick you up but I’m lazy and it’s best you learn how to get around yourself. University of Life, Mary!

I’m loving the photo of you with all your stuffed animals. I’m so glad you still feel it’s socially acceptable to have a bedroom full of stuffed toys even though you are 27. I hope you’re not thinking of bringing all your stuffed toys to America though Mary, I’ll let you bring 3 (max.), unless you’re willing to cover their share of the rent. Then that’s a different story.

Great questions again Mary. Clearly you think hard before crafting them.
I shall answer them using my usual easy-to-read template.

Do you have car? Only assholes drive in NY, Mary.
Animal? This is a stupid question and I refuse to answer it.
Are your gentle? I have the hands of Franciscan Monk. I’ll let you touch them as soon as you arrive (I do ask that you wash your hands thoroughly though before we make contact – I don’t like germies)

Alright, I’m gonna go clean out my closet so you have somewhere to sleep when you arrive. You’re cool with sleeping standing up, yeah?

Love ya!
Your friend, S

Be safe in Moscow. Get me a present?

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